


Thinking Out Loud

by starrywrite



Category: Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Drabble, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-03
Updated: 2014-08-03
Packaged: 2018-02-11 15:45:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2073861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrywrite/pseuds/starrywrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Love is so lovely […] Saying you love someone is a good thing." - Esther Earl</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thinking Out Loud

**Author's Note:**

> really really really reALLY quick drabble that i put together bc today is Esther Day - for those who don’t know, Esther Earl was a Nerdfighter and a good friend of John Green, among many other people, who was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and after she passed away in August of 2010, her birthday serves as a (for lack of a better day) holiday in which you tell someone that you love that you love them - and i wanted to write a little something something in honor of that. so happy birthday Esther and to anyone reading this, i love you :)

Dan’s never been good with words.

He doesn’t understand why to be honest; he loves reading and writing and words in general, and for fuck’s sake, his entire job is centered on him talking and ideally being good with words. But he guesses there’s a difference between talking about your day and talking about your… feelings. Which, he supposes why he’s never been good with words, because truth be told he’s a bit shit when it comes to the latter. 

Dan’s problem is that he’s never been really good at saying, “I love you.” And he doesn’t know why; it’s not like he’s some heartless asshole who doesn’t even love anyone – he loves a lot of people, his family, his friends, Phil (who gets a category all his own because well… he’s Phil). But whenever someone tells him that they love him, he either just laughs it off in response or says, “You too,” or something similar. For some reason saying the words, “I love you” is so hard for him. 

Lately, however, the problem lies with Phil – which is part of the reason why he gets a category all his own. Because he can tell his mum that he loves her and his dad on occasion and even his little shit of a brother; anyone else seems to get a “Awh, you too,” as a response. But Phil is different. He doesn’t know why, but Phil is different. 

It’s pretty obvious that after five years of friendship that Dan and Phil love each other, but they don’t say it. Like… ever. Is it a stupid boy thing that prevents them from sharing their true feelings for each other? Is it because saying “I love you” to your best friend is a bit awkward and weird and cringe? 

Or maybe it’s because Dan’s never told anyone outside of his family that he loves them. 

Dan’s never had a best friend before he met Phil; all of his friends, even close friends, had somebody that they liked more than him and it was painfully lonely. The only time one of his friends told them they loved him is when he did something for them or bought them things – other than his family members, no one’s ever told him they loved him and meant it.

Except for Phil.

When Dan met Phil, he was a sad and lonely eighteen year old with no friends, no ambitions, no will to exist. But then Phil came into the picture and he helped show Dan that he’s a wonderful person and deserving of love, even when Dan doesn’t feel like he’s either of those things. And even though Phil’s never actually said the words “I love you” to him, Dan knows he loves him. 

And Dan loves him too – god, Dan loves him so much. He’s never said it, but he thinks it all the time; when Phil helps him film and edit, when he holds him while he’s having an existential crisis, when he wipes his tears away while he cries, when he makes him blanket forts and watches anime with him. Dan can’t help but to look at Phil and think, “Wow, I love you so much” because Phil does so much for him, even when he doesn’t realize it, and Dan really does loves him so much.

So why hasn’t he told him yet? 

It’s stupid to be afraid to say it; it’s not like Phil isn’t going to reiterate his feelings or laugh at him for showing genuine emotion or just shrug him off and ignore him. So what’s the big deal? Why can’t he just walk up to Phil and tell him that he loves him. 

A better question would be, what’s stopping him from doing just that?

The brunette boy gets up to his feet, taking a deep breath as he does so, and he wonders aimlessly around their flat until he finds Phil in the lounge, putting cat stickers on all of their furniture and Dan rolls his eyes because he’s going to have to be the one who de-cat stickers their house, but he loves that Phil spends his free time doing silly things like this and fuck, he just really loves Phil. 

Phil notices him lurking in the doorway and he smiles at him, “Hey!”

“Hello, you.” Dan says, and he walks into the lounge, going to sit next to Phil on the couch. “So,” he fumbles with his hands in his lap nervously. “I wanted to tell you something.”

Dan can tell Phil wants to make a joke about this, but when he sees how serious Dan is, he abandons his cat stickers and gives him his full attention. “Okay, what’s up?” he asks.

Dan inhales and exhales slowly, and Phil waits patiently for him to speak up once more. And finally, Dan just says, “I just wanted to tell you... that…” his heart is pounding hard and fast in his chest and he feels like he’s going to have to ring 999 because of heart failure. “That,” he says again. “I love you.” He finally utters quietly. 

Phil doesn’t say anything at first, and Dan wants to throw up because he was afraid of this happening. God, why is he so stupid, why did he have to say anything, why –

“I love you too.” Phil cuts into his thoughts, and Dan’s head snaps up to look at him, his eyes comically wide. And Phil chuckles a little, opening his arms, beckoning him in for a hug, and Dan crawls into his arms, burying his face into the crook of Phil’s neck and Phil says again, “I love you, Dan.” 

“I love you too.” Dan whispers to him, and now that he’s finally said it, he realizes how insane he had to have been to be afraid to say it in the first place; now that he’s finally said it, he just wants to tell Phil over and over again that he loves him.


End file.
